I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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