come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
