A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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