There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
