Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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