ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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