I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I supernannyed him into submission
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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