We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
