a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
