Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
