sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
