Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
