Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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