i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
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Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
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Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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