Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
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