I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
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