i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
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She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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