well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
What drink are we having for lunch?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.