last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes