Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
She's allergic to latex.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.