Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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