He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
