you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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