i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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