she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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