Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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