It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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