Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
