Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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