im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
