Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
