dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
