Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Found the puke drawer
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
