hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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