he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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