Will you blow on my dice?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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