Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
