Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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