Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
