sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
areolas are like halos for boobs.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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