it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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