so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
