We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hippo gnu deer
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
