I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
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In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
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Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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