david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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