It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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