Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
