God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
