this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
