6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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