I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
one might say we're banned from that church
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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