i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
