The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
