I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
