did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The uberlube is also flammable
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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