walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
