Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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