did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
