I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
